Did I just call my daughter a “life leech”?  Yes I did.  It happened in just a fraction of a second while hiking together along a nearby path in our neighborhood.  Why did I call her a life leech?  I’m not sure but I think it was a Freudian slip of humor.

I’m sure I’m not the only parent that slips once in a while.  This happened to me years ago when she wasn’t quite two.  I was changing her diaper and looked at her smiling face and from out of nowhere the words “I’m kind of tired of changing diapers why don’t you learn how to use the toilet this weekend” ever so sweetly feel off my lips and onto the changing table.  My precious little girl just gave me a look of indifference. Apparently though she took my comment seriously and soon responded enthusiastically with an “okay”

Asking your toddler to start using the toilet is certainly different than calling one pre-teen a “life leech” but I harbor no guilt.  I could hardly take the words back (mostly because I was laughing so hard) before she took my hand and started skipping down the path.

“It’s always about you” I said…”you’re sucking the life right out of me”.  “I never get to have any fun” I insisted as we skipped hand in hand.  By now we were both skipping full speed and challenging each other to see who could skip the highest, fastest, best backwards and the final side skip without tripping (because looking like a dork was already a done-deal).

I think I won.

And as soon as she stopped skipping I noticed her attention quickly switched to “the tire swing”.  It was the only one in the park and the real reason we take that path when we go for evening walks.  Typically I let her use it while I graciously stand at her call to push her back and fourth and into a spin-and-puke grand finale.  I guess that’s what a good parent does.  But today I wanted a turn on the tire swing.

I could sense that she knew today might be different.  I repeated my last statement with eyes locked on the tire swing, “It’s always about you” (more laughing).  Of course she tried not to look at the swing keeping her eyes fixed on me as she replied “mom, it’s not always about me, what are you talking about?”

Both of us now are edging our way towards the swing at the same pace.  Eventually we slip into running at a break-neck speed.  I’m faster than her.

*I got the swing*

“Yep, sucking the life right out of me…your turn to push” I said as I laughed yet again.  Truth be told, I had no interest in the spin-and-puke portion of the ride so I tried to compose my laughter and resemble an unselfish parent.

I offered her the swing.

I then proceeded to forgo the usual easy-breezy sways back and fourth that she usually gets to enjoy and immediately spun her into the dreadful spin-and-puke finale.

Our laughter immediately returned as she spun out of control, spread out like a defeated spider on a tire swing of death.

I took my post on another swing and warned her not to even try to swing as high as me because if she did she would be grounded for life.  On a journey to the sky I forbade her to try and touch me with her extremities as she swung next to me…of course she tried.

And then she asked “Hey mom, do you want to get some pie after we play in the park?”

“Yep, you’re sucking the life out of me my little child”

*I just never get to have any fun*

I am,

The Urban Mountaineer

The Urban Mountaineer