As I sifted through the minimal life belongings that could fit into my car (and I mean mostly all camera gear) to find a clean pair of socks (which by the way was not as important as finding the right lens) I stopped to reflect over the past year and the incremental decisions and events that led up to this very moment of glorious yet exhausting chaos…aka my current place of being.

Here I am in California taking what feels like the biggest risk I’ve taken thus far in my life in order to pursue a passion…and even as I sit in a pile of chaos, the upheaval of everything rooted I’ve known in the past I’m pinching myself because I can’t believe I’ve actually done this. At the same time I’m silently asking myself “Am I really doing this? Am I really making this happen?, Am I taking the risk that’s necessary for this dream to come true? Am I crazy? Do I deserve being here? Do I have what it takes that’s deserving of such a risk?”

It’s not like I’ve never up and moved to a different state before and it’s certainly not the first time I’ve taken a risk but at 50 it just seems like a bigger deal. Maybe it’s not…doesn’t matter.

But how did I actually get to this moment? A moment where I’m digging for a pair of socks through a pile of smashed-packed stuff and knowing I only have one suit in the mess (rolled up in the bottom of a suitcase too far out of reach to actually get to if I needed it) and no permanent address that qualifies for a valid driver’s license?

I think this journey actually started several years ago when I decided to purchase a new digital camera worthy enough to kick-start a hibernating hobby. There was a time long ago when I used to shoot with a film camera but over the years I allowed life to get in the way and so photography for me went into a deep sleep. I never would have imagined that new camera I purchased was the quiet start and instigator of my awakening.

I loved my new camera but I didn’t dive in immediately with picture taking. While I was hesitant to explore its capabilities it waited patiently for me to gain some nerve. I had that camera for quite some time before I eventually committed to picking it up every day. But after that I did pick it up every day and take pictures and over some time and hundreds of images (I’d love to say thousands but that would clearly be a stretch) later I reached a point in which I decided to say yes to shooting a wedding (although I will admit I was still using my camera in semi-mostly-autopilot mode). Nonetheless, with my trusty Canon Rebel (yes a rebel!) I shot my first paying gig. It was the nudge I needed to take another step forward. The day after shooting my first wedding I committed to going fully manual and mastering my photography technical skills.

I had no idea how long that would take or how good I could become. I really didn’t care. I just knew wanted to be the best photographer I could be and that started with knowing how to use my camera in manual mode. I would like to say this was the tipping point that lead to the landslide of change for me but it really wasn’t. It was simply another commitment nugget in which I still had not really attached any intent to other than getting better and loving the pure act of recording imagery through my eyes and the viewfinder of a camera.

As I continued to take pictures people started asking more frequently if I’d take pictures for them professionally. With the bravery of saying “yes” each time I already had my next commitment in mind and that was to invest in a semi-professional camera. I’m almost sad to say the day I purchased my next camera was the last time I touched the Rebel. Sure I carried it with me to every shoot as a back up camera. That made me feel better about abandoning it while on my journey but I never used it again. It has since retired and landed into the hands of a wildly talented 14 yr old (who by the way is not using the camera, it’s collecting dust because she’s more interested in playing music).  As well, that semi-professional camera sits in a semi-retired state since I’ve purchased professional level equipment since then.

Again, not a tipping point but you can see the incremental pattern here. I continued to learn as much as I could about photography through professional studies and eventually abandoned the “auto” mode for good…I shudder to think I once trusted my camera’s AWB!

But there was an eventual tipping point and I think it happened about a couple of years ago when I realized just how much I truly enjoyed creating art photographically (I think maybe even more than painting), especially of food and how much I enjoyed professional studies in the field. The epiphany of realizing what I wanted most to do with my creative vision hit me like a ton of bricks… an “Ah ha moment”.  And then came the big question…

*What if?*

What if? That was the burning question that lit a fire within. What if I continued my education in photography? What if I committed to education with a “real” focus and purpose…a goal beyond just being a better photographer? What if I made a sharp left turn and abandoned security in order to take a risk? What if I truly believed in myself?

*What if?*

I fed that question tons of research, a creative financial roadmap and a lot of passion. Eventually the answers started to fall into place and I started crafting solid plans. I knew which school I was going to attend but it would require me to move out of state and leave the workforce for a significant amount of time. It would require the purchase of additional equipment (darn, too bad), tuition and enough money to cover all of my living expenses during school and for the amount of time I would need thereafter to jumpstart a new career. Daunting for a single parent on the heels of 50 but without hesitation I started a project plan that would unfold within one year.

*I saw it*

And I watched it all unfold in my mind, in my mind’s eye I watched myself save every extra penny I had to go towards the fund, find a place for my daughter and I to live and I saw myself learning a great deal in class. I saw myself bracing for change and stepping forward into the unknown regardless of my fear. I saw myself wanting to turn back and run to safety but overcoming the challenge anyway and moving forward, I saw myself taking risks to become a professional photographer in every way possible. I saw myself believing in myself.

And when the time came, I packed up our belongings and we left Denver. My daughter and I moved to Missoula, Montana so I could attend classes for an intensive study photography program. It was the starting line…the visible beginning of my journey. The program was indeed intensive, I was grateful for that. Without a doubt I gained an incredible amount of knowledge being immersed in studies with amazing instructors and inspiring students. The program had provided everything I dreamed it would and I was on my way. It was truly a summer/fall of blood, sweat and tears. Okay maybe no blood but it was a lot of sweat and tears.

Sometimes it’s hard to describe the transformation one goes through when challenged in so many ways and sometimes you can’t even realize the transformation until long after it happens. This was the case with me.

When it was all over and the program had been completed it was time for me to move on to the next chapter. I was so far deep into the process I hadn’t even taken a moment to think about how far I came with my plan or how I had transformed as a person and photographer. With certificates in hand I had achieved the focused education I knew I needed. Next part of the big-picture plan was to continue west to California and begin chipping away at developing a food photography career.

Which ultimately brought me to this point of where I am now, sifting through what belongings could fit in my car as I wander through the vast state of California in search of a new place to live. I look back 2 years into my life, I was the Director of Marketing for a manufacturer of bio-medical research equipment living in a beautiful house I owned in Denver and now I’m a photographer, technically homeless photographer…(okay an AirBnB Jockey but you get my drift) looking into the abyss of unknown opportunities. Scared and excited at the same time realizing this is the part of my past visions whereas I saw myself embracing change, being scared, wanting to run back but staying instead, taking risks and stepping forward.

*I’m not running back*

Was it the content of the classes that allowed me to be here or was it my intent? I ask myself (right at the point I found the pair of socks I was looking for). It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be great…I do believe it was both.

I am,
The Urban Mountaineer